Could I really be near the end of my sentence? Might I be granted time off for good behavior (or behaviour)? I can hardly contain my excitement.
I've missed a few entries on my appointments with Pieter, Troy and, new character, Bill. I write these things in my head sometimes and I just haven't gotten them down on the computer.
A few highlights:
On one visit I realize how incredibly week my right foot is. I mean, really. Pieter throws a towel on the floor and asks me to drag it with my toes. Oh, yes, there's a weight at the end. I simply cannot do it. So, we go for the "Girlie" weight (ok calm down feministas, I'm one of you, so I can say it). And, it's not alone ridiculously light, but also Pepto Pink! So, please. I can barely do that, and so, now I have a new exercise of getting my toes to actually do something aside from sport poorly applied nail polish (not in pink.)
It's not a good idea to bring your incredibly cheeky four-year-old child with you to PT. First you can't concentrate. Second, she tries to do what you are doing on the treadmill and she might get hurt. Third, she's not exactly a wallflower. And, most importantly, she will manipulate the bones on the fingers of the skeleton into a familiar NJ greeting (unbeknownst to her the true meaning, but --- ah, a chip off the old block nonetheless).
Lastly, no matter how long you give the Jersey girl mean stare to Pieter, he will win the stare down and you will not be running until he says so.
So, now we're down to week 6 for me, but apparently it's only week 4 for Pieter (thus, the title). So, we split hairs until we agree that it's week 5. Somewhere between people from NJ being big complainers along with people from the Netherlands, we get down to work. I'd rather have a beer and keep complaining, but, I've grown lazy in my new non-running life.
Pieter pokes and prodes my foot and, finally, pops it. Oh, relief! Amazing! I get to do a few exercises and then, big prize, I get to run on the treadmill. This is really torture, mostly becuase of the device they string me up in to run. Let's just say, it's not glamorous. I get to do 15 minutes this week. My new friend, Bill, keeps me company and we chat about, what else, running. I'm glad he's there as the time goes faster. And, I finish.
Troy comes out of hiding to see what's up. One more week, Pieter declares. Then, maybe I will let you run again. I sigh with relief and I want to hit the wall at the same time. I need to hit the trail, but I know that if I don't wait, the treadmill torture device beckons again.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
PT - The New Confessional
After much coordination with my real world and mother/driver schedule, I land on an appointment with Troy at SPI. I'm so relieved. I almost cancel due to a conference call, but, frankly, I can't take it anymore, my foot is a little ham at the end of my Q-tip leg.
Troy pokes his head around the door. Hey, come on back. I load up (like a camel -- laptop, bags, water) and start heading toward him. He looks at me, dubiously.
You're limping, he says. Yeah, Troy, it's killing me.
Silence. Have you been running? he asks me, half serious and half joking.
Are you kidding, I ask him. He bores his eyes into me. Seriously, Troy, I have not been running. I'm back to junky status. Cut to the A&E episode ...Intervention. Cue the music. Troy, really, with my hip, I could still run. I mean, yes, it hurt, but I could do it. Dude, I cannot rotate this foot.
Troy still looks skeptical.
Pieter is there too. Yes, Pieter is the way his name is really spelled. Sorry, I have been spelling it the American way. Anyway, he says, what did you do? Oh God, here we go. I swear, I have not been running. Really.
So, I say, hey, you all told me I could go to spinning. I went to spinning on Sat. By the way, it is SOOO boring, but I did it! Anyway, the next day, I was really busy running around and by the end of the day it was a little ham again.
You told me I could to spinning. Yes, they both acknowledge their previous suggestion that spinning was fine. Troy starts to move my foot, cracking things, commanding me to walk, sit, crack more. He's quiet, that Troy. I start babbling away about the trainer at Lifetime and how he's going to help fix my stride issues. He ran track, blah, blah...Crack, walk. So unglamorous, definitely not a cat walk.
So, Troy asks inquisitively, Spinning?
Yes, really! I declare, proud of my restraint.
Did you sit on the seat the whole time, or did you get up and do all the jumps and stuff.
Bam! Zing!
There it is. Pieter and Troy both stare, waiting for the reply. But, you said I could do spinning -- I went to a class. I mean, I wasn't going to just sit there and ride. I had to get a work out in. Pieter starts to laugh. Troy shakes his head. You need to just sit in the saddle, no jumps or standing.
I slouch. I probably look like a sullen three-year old. Ok, I murmur. No standing. Just sitting and riding. Crack, rotate. Sit here. Ok, walk again.
You guys have to be more specific, I tell them.
Hey Troy, I thought you'd release me to run a few miles this week. You know, like 2 or so on the trail. No, forget it, he says. Pieter laughs again.
On the way out, I run into my friend Patrick Evoy. Hey Man, what's up? Oh, forget it, Achilles. Yeah, I have fifth Metatarsal -- Yeah, I know, I read your blog. We high five and go opposite ways...he goes in and I head to my car. I think, again, we sound like we've fallen off the wagon...we need a group.
Troy pokes his head around the door. Hey, come on back. I load up (like a camel -- laptop, bags, water) and start heading toward him. He looks at me, dubiously.
You're limping, he says. Yeah, Troy, it's killing me.
Silence. Have you been running? he asks me, half serious and half joking.
Are you kidding, I ask him. He bores his eyes into me. Seriously, Troy, I have not been running. I'm back to junky status. Cut to the A&E episode ...Intervention. Cue the music. Troy, really, with my hip, I could still run. I mean, yes, it hurt, but I could do it. Dude, I cannot rotate this foot.
Troy still looks skeptical.
Pieter is there too. Yes, Pieter is the way his name is really spelled. Sorry, I have been spelling it the American way. Anyway, he says, what did you do? Oh God, here we go. I swear, I have not been running. Really.
So, I say, hey, you all told me I could go to spinning. I went to spinning on Sat. By the way, it is SOOO boring, but I did it! Anyway, the next day, I was really busy running around and by the end of the day it was a little ham again.
You told me I could to spinning. Yes, they both acknowledge their previous suggestion that spinning was fine. Troy starts to move my foot, cracking things, commanding me to walk, sit, crack more. He's quiet, that Troy. I start babbling away about the trainer at Lifetime and how he's going to help fix my stride issues. He ran track, blah, blah...Crack, walk. So unglamorous, definitely not a cat walk.
So, Troy asks inquisitively, Spinning?
Yes, really! I declare, proud of my restraint.
Did you sit on the seat the whole time, or did you get up and do all the jumps and stuff.
Bam! Zing!
There it is. Pieter and Troy both stare, waiting for the reply. But, you said I could do spinning -- I went to a class. I mean, I wasn't going to just sit there and ride. I had to get a work out in. Pieter starts to laugh. Troy shakes his head. You need to just sit in the saddle, no jumps or standing.
I slouch. I probably look like a sullen three-year old. Ok, I murmur. No standing. Just sitting and riding. Crack, rotate. Sit here. Ok, walk again.
You guys have to be more specific, I tell them.
Hey Troy, I thought you'd release me to run a few miles this week. You know, like 2 or so on the trail. No, forget it, he says. Pieter laughs again.
On the way out, I run into my friend Patrick Evoy. Hey Man, what's up? Oh, forget it, Achilles. Yeah, I have fifth Metatarsal -- Yeah, I know, I read your blog. We high five and go opposite ways...he goes in and I head to my car. I think, again, we sound like we've fallen off the wagon...we need a group.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Unforgettable, that's what you are
I've noticed that I forget a lot nowadays since I'm not running. And, did I mention that I can't sleep either. And, my digestive system doesn't function as well. Anyway, lots of things are off and I find I have no idea what word or phrase I mean to say next since I'm so ungrounded. Now, I'm just complaining!
I met with a trainer who ran track in college. His 400 meters was a crazy :47. He really focused on issues that seem to be on my right side. But, he's not cheap. But, I've watched him and I know he knows how to get runners running again. Plus, he really figured out my issues pretty quick. The funniest thing was when he was trying to help me stretch. It was crazy. I'm so super tight that stretching was painful.
Today was the first day that my right foot actually connected with the floor. That was a very cool feeling. I went to a spinning class and about 1/2 hour into it was completely bored. But, I started to watch the video on the screen and got into the Giro Italia and tried to forget that I was inside, in a studio, on a bike that didn't go anywhere. Suddenly, I got the rush and I remembered when I used to do triathlons (before kids) and how much fun they were. Admittedly, I was kind of taking it easy on the resistance. I was freaked out by how close spectators get in these cycling races (while watching that is.)
When leaving, this guy came up behind me and said, hey, just a warm up before the long run? And I thought, what? at 11:30, I would have been done hours ago. And, I thought, I wish. But, I said, nah, just cross training and I've got an injury, no long runs for me.
Everyone at my daughter's soccer game asked me, hey you didn't run today? No, I didn't, my freakin' foot doesn't move.
Anyway, spinning...ugh...1 hour. We'll see...hopefully, I will be running sooner rather than later.
I met with a trainer who ran track in college. His 400 meters was a crazy :47. He really focused on issues that seem to be on my right side. But, he's not cheap. But, I've watched him and I know he knows how to get runners running again. Plus, he really figured out my issues pretty quick. The funniest thing was when he was trying to help me stretch. It was crazy. I'm so super tight that stretching was painful.
Today was the first day that my right foot actually connected with the floor. That was a very cool feeling. I went to a spinning class and about 1/2 hour into it was completely bored. But, I started to watch the video on the screen and got into the Giro Italia and tried to forget that I was inside, in a studio, on a bike that didn't go anywhere. Suddenly, I got the rush and I remembered when I used to do triathlons (before kids) and how much fun they were. Admittedly, I was kind of taking it easy on the resistance. I was freaked out by how close spectators get in these cycling races (while watching that is.)
When leaving, this guy came up behind me and said, hey, just a warm up before the long run? And I thought, what? at 11:30, I would have been done hours ago. And, I thought, I wish. But, I said, nah, just cross training and I've got an injury, no long runs for me.
Everyone at my daughter's soccer game asked me, hey you didn't run today? No, I didn't, my freakin' foot doesn't move.
Anyway, spinning...ugh...1 hour. We'll see...hopefully, I will be running sooner rather than later.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Unremarkable
Well, I have never been described as so unremarkable so many times in one report. Ok, maybe I have, but I didn't know it.
I just got the MRI report from Dr. Spears at Sports Performance International...I've been holding my breath. The good news is that I am unremarkable...that is, that section of my foot is. I do not have a stress fracture. Yes! Excellent, but....Oh yes, there it is, the but -- as in the conjunction, not the gluteus maximus.
I have severe edema at the base of the fifth metatarsal. Somehow this is bad. Apparently, it's a pre-stress fracture. And, somehow the punishment is the same. No running. So, I get no sympathy boot cast or something to keep my foot from messing up more, but I can't run either. Aqua-jogging, cycling, elliptical. Did I mention that it's the right foot and it hurts to drive?
I look down at the floor while Dr. Spears is talking to me. First, he's calling me Alice. Alice doesn't live here anymore. I don't want to correct him. His assistant is calling me A-Lish-A, which is not me either. Anyway, I see Peter heading our way with a very determined stride and I figure I'm in the clear -- they will get my name right now and Peter will translate what the Dr. is saying to me.
They both start explaining that it looks like I have trauma to the bone -- multiple trauma. Wait, I don't remember a trauma or a multiple of the trauma. All I said to Lorenzo Blanco was let's do 10 instead of 7. I mean, this was an easy day. I feel like they are talking to someone else.
So, I say, Do the two weeks that I have already put in toward my 6 count? Now I feel like some petty criminal who's negotiating a lighter sentence. Notice how I said 6 at the long side and they said 8. Peter shakes his head and laughs.
Dr. Spears starts talking about how this is normal for runners who are used to a certain exercise level. They need something to replace their threshold of exercise. Ok, now I feel like a junky. For someone unremarkable, I feel like I've already played a lot of roles in this movie. Now I'm in an episode of Intervention on A&E.
Troy comes over now with the very nice assistant. Sorry, I forget her name. She's lovely. Everyone is flocking to the scan. Troy looks at me like I'm 2 and I just squeezed my puppy too hard.
Peter comes back in and kind of gives me the speech. Running hard, not a life long runner, over 40, etc, etc. I look down again, the tears are coming and I'm trying so hard not to cry. I cry at this office a lot. I think they need an on site therapist. Then I could really get a lot work done on all these personalities I have and my basic unremarkableness.
I slink out of the office and dutifully make my appointments. This isn't like the hip. I could run through that pain. But, this foot just won't work right now. It's as stubborn as I am.
I want to call someone from the car, but I don't bother. I don't think anyone will understand how I feel. Running grounds me. I work things out in my head when I run. I release my anger, my stress. I push myself. I'm alone, but I'm with people all at the same time. I had some ideas about this Spring. I just need a minute to accept it. After 2 weeks, my foot really doesn't feel any better at all.
When I get home, I pull out the report and read it. This is where I learn how normal and unremarkable I am. For a second, I start to think they are all wrong and I can lace up and head out tomorrow. Then I stand up and try to walk to the stairs, that I have to climb up and my foot is like a little pink ham in a shoe. I hate my foot!
I just got the MRI report from Dr. Spears at Sports Performance International...I've been holding my breath. The good news is that I am unremarkable...that is, that section of my foot is. I do not have a stress fracture. Yes! Excellent, but....Oh yes, there it is, the but -- as in the conjunction, not the gluteus maximus.
I have severe edema at the base of the fifth metatarsal. Somehow this is bad. Apparently, it's a pre-stress fracture. And, somehow the punishment is the same. No running. So, I get no sympathy boot cast or something to keep my foot from messing up more, but I can't run either. Aqua-jogging, cycling, elliptical. Did I mention that it's the right foot and it hurts to drive?
I look down at the floor while Dr. Spears is talking to me. First, he's calling me Alice. Alice doesn't live here anymore. I don't want to correct him. His assistant is calling me A-Lish-A, which is not me either. Anyway, I see Peter heading our way with a very determined stride and I figure I'm in the clear -- they will get my name right now and Peter will translate what the Dr. is saying to me.
They both start explaining that it looks like I have trauma to the bone -- multiple trauma. Wait, I don't remember a trauma or a multiple of the trauma. All I said to Lorenzo Blanco was let's do 10 instead of 7. I mean, this was an easy day. I feel like they are talking to someone else.
So, I say, Do the two weeks that I have already put in toward my 6 count? Now I feel like some petty criminal who's negotiating a lighter sentence. Notice how I said 6 at the long side and they said 8. Peter shakes his head and laughs.
Dr. Spears starts talking about how this is normal for runners who are used to a certain exercise level. They need something to replace their threshold of exercise. Ok, now I feel like a junky. For someone unremarkable, I feel like I've already played a lot of roles in this movie. Now I'm in an episode of Intervention on A&E.
Troy comes over now with the very nice assistant. Sorry, I forget her name. She's lovely. Everyone is flocking to the scan. Troy looks at me like I'm 2 and I just squeezed my puppy too hard.
Peter comes back in and kind of gives me the speech. Running hard, not a life long runner, over 40, etc, etc. I look down again, the tears are coming and I'm trying so hard not to cry. I cry at this office a lot. I think they need an on site therapist. Then I could really get a lot work done on all these personalities I have and my basic unremarkableness.
I slink out of the office and dutifully make my appointments. This isn't like the hip. I could run through that pain. But, this foot just won't work right now. It's as stubborn as I am.
I want to call someone from the car, but I don't bother. I don't think anyone will understand how I feel. Running grounds me. I work things out in my head when I run. I release my anger, my stress. I push myself. I'm alone, but I'm with people all at the same time. I had some ideas about this Spring. I just need a minute to accept it. After 2 weeks, my foot really doesn't feel any better at all.
When I get home, I pull out the report and read it. This is where I learn how normal and unremarkable I am. For a second, I start to think they are all wrong and I can lace up and head out tomorrow. Then I stand up and try to walk to the stairs, that I have to climb up and my foot is like a little pink ham in a shoe. I hate my foot!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Running Drought
Well, the post have been few since the runs have been few. I managed to get hurt, again. Yes, again. On a very easy 10 mile run, suddenly my foot locked up after the Longhorn Dam and never really rotated again. I tried and tried to shake it off, but ended up just toughing it out.
Alas, I have worn my lightweight shoes on too many runs. And, since I only run on the right hand side anyway, my right foot decided to, well, just start to cave in.
I headed for Sports Performance and have seen Troy twice already. He cleared me a silly 3 mile run and I couldn't even do that. The adjustment he made to my foot came completely undone on a business trip, so, I was back to square one.
I can't believe how much running really means to me. Except that everytime I can't do it, I just about go crazy. I can't sleep and my entire system is off kilter.
I'm heading out tomorrow to give it a go...I have to try and see if I can hold my own.
There are so many races coming up and I was just starting the speed work outs...it's so frustrating!
Alas, I have worn my lightweight shoes on too many runs. And, since I only run on the right hand side anyway, my right foot decided to, well, just start to cave in.
I headed for Sports Performance and have seen Troy twice already. He cleared me a silly 3 mile run and I couldn't even do that. The adjustment he made to my foot came completely undone on a business trip, so, I was back to square one.
I can't believe how much running really means to me. Except that everytime I can't do it, I just about go crazy. I can't sleep and my entire system is off kilter.
I'm heading out tomorrow to give it a go...I have to try and see if I can hold my own.
There are so many races coming up and I was just starting the speed work outs...it's so frustrating!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Austin Marathon: Spectator and Crew
If you asked me why I finally decided to do a marathon, I couldn't tell you. I didn't have that burning desire to do one; nor have I wanted to repeat the process. As you may have read in earlier posts, I felt like, well, really S&(*&Y at the end. It was a terrible feeling. And I wasn't too keen ot repeat it.
So, the Austin Marathon comes around and I told my friend I would help her along. Finally, we agreed that I would meet her at mile 17. I've done this many times over the years -- meeting folks in different places and running a bit.
Now that I've run one myself, I came prepared. I was so prepared, that I woke up like it was a marathon day for me. Seriously, 4 AM, I could not get back to sleep. I headed to the course super early and went to the spot -- way to early. I back tracked to mile 11 to see Gilbert who, by the way, decided 8 weeks ago to run it. Ok, I guess you have to be elite to do that.
I sat a mile 11 forever, shivering. I wish I'd been running instead. The elite truck comes up and here come the guys...Gilbert is 5th at this point, smiling away looking like he's having the time of his life. I've never really watched him in a race, so, for a moment, I'm stunned. It looks so easy and elegant when he runs. I forget to tell him what I have, so I hop in my car and head to mile 15 and wait. I start to run toward him and yell...I have Gu, I have sodium, water, tissues. No Red, I don't need anything, I'm fine. Off he goes again. I stare. The guy who is pacing him asks me for a Gu and I hesitate, but toss it.
I head to mile 17 and wait for all the folks I know. I cheer, I jump up and down, I give out water with carbo pro to BH. I scream and scream for people I know and don't know. I start to lose my voice. Then, I start to worry, so I head in the opposite direction of the race and find my friend. And, off we go.
It's getting hot and we're trying to move along. I try to be encouraging, but not a pain. My friend is hurting, I can hear her. I give her water, soak a washcloth for her and we keep pushing.
We see Gazelles everywhere, which is nice. I encourage her on the hills -- there are so many, and she digs in so hard. I tell her not to quit, not to walk, keep moving. There are so many hills at the end, it's merciless. Push, I tell, it's not that bad, we're almost done. Focus...I don't know if I'm helping or hurting.
Here comes the shoot, just 1ooo meters and I have to head out. Ok, you are on your own, you have this, give it some juice. You can do it. I run along side the fences, screaming all the way, just 800, just 400, just 50 meters, push, push, you can do it. She crosses the finish and I'm screaming...you are awesome, you did it! It was tough, no PR, no BQ. But somewhere along the way, I got pumped for her in a way that I never got pumped for myself. My heart was pounding when she hit the shoot. I was so happy and proud that she hung in for so long when it was so hard.
I felt better that day than I did when I crossed the finish line in San Antonio myself. We walked to RunTex and talked about doing Ragnar again. We talked about a flater course. We talked about Boston. We talked about pizza. We saw Gilbert walking to RunTex with his family, the little one on his shoulders, just hanging out.
On to the next challenge.
So, the Austin Marathon comes around and I told my friend I would help her along. Finally, we agreed that I would meet her at mile 17. I've done this many times over the years -- meeting folks in different places and running a bit.
Now that I've run one myself, I came prepared. I was so prepared, that I woke up like it was a marathon day for me. Seriously, 4 AM, I could not get back to sleep. I headed to the course super early and went to the spot -- way to early. I back tracked to mile 11 to see Gilbert who, by the way, decided 8 weeks ago to run it. Ok, I guess you have to be elite to do that.
I sat a mile 11 forever, shivering. I wish I'd been running instead. The elite truck comes up and here come the guys...Gilbert is 5th at this point, smiling away looking like he's having the time of his life. I've never really watched him in a race, so, for a moment, I'm stunned. It looks so easy and elegant when he runs. I forget to tell him what I have, so I hop in my car and head to mile 15 and wait. I start to run toward him and yell...I have Gu, I have sodium, water, tissues. No Red, I don't need anything, I'm fine. Off he goes again. I stare. The guy who is pacing him asks me for a Gu and I hesitate, but toss it.
I head to mile 17 and wait for all the folks I know. I cheer, I jump up and down, I give out water with carbo pro to BH. I scream and scream for people I know and don't know. I start to lose my voice. Then, I start to worry, so I head in the opposite direction of the race and find my friend. And, off we go.
It's getting hot and we're trying to move along. I try to be encouraging, but not a pain. My friend is hurting, I can hear her. I give her water, soak a washcloth for her and we keep pushing.
We see Gazelles everywhere, which is nice. I encourage her on the hills -- there are so many, and she digs in so hard. I tell her not to quit, not to walk, keep moving. There are so many hills at the end, it's merciless. Push, I tell, it's not that bad, we're almost done. Focus...I don't know if I'm helping or hurting.
Here comes the shoot, just 1ooo meters and I have to head out. Ok, you are on your own, you have this, give it some juice. You can do it. I run along side the fences, screaming all the way, just 800, just 400, just 50 meters, push, push, you can do it. She crosses the finish and I'm screaming...you are awesome, you did it! It was tough, no PR, no BQ. But somewhere along the way, I got pumped for her in a way that I never got pumped for myself. My heart was pounding when she hit the shoot. I was so happy and proud that she hung in for so long when it was so hard.
I felt better that day than I did when I crossed the finish line in San Antonio myself. We walked to RunTex and talked about doing Ragnar again. We talked about a flater course. We talked about Boston. We talked about pizza. We saw Gilbert walking to RunTex with his family, the little one on his shoulders, just hanging out.
On to the next challenge.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Running the wrong way
To say that the last few weeks have been challenging is an understatement. And, the fact that I've had to squeeze in workouts and figure out how to run makes it worse. I sound whiny, but I guess I was spoiled for so long. I had a routine, a sitter and it worked. Now, I'm winging it everyday and, frankly, I hate it.
I used to hate running. Honestly, I am not an athlete. I'm a dork. I'm the person no one wanted on their team. I Irish Danced before "Lord of the Dance" came around and everyone made fun of me, so I quit. I started running at 3o when I decided to do triathlons. Now, I'm 43. Where did the time go?
I have goals this year, but don't know if I'll accomplish them. I'll try. I just want to get Boston in 2010. MW posted a great "info sheet" on Boston and I was equally scared and excited. I know I have a lot of training ahead of me. And, to be honest, my whole right side still bothers me .... A LOT.
At the end of my run today, I didn't intend to do so, but ran the opposite direction of some Gazelles just starting. By that point, I was in pain and frustrated. I said hi and smiled a lot. My right leg aches from my hip, down my hamstring to my calf. When I stop, finally, I am hobbled, just like my San Antonio finish and I go to the annex to stretch.
I want to fix it and fast. I need a good run and soon.
I used to hate running. Honestly, I am not an athlete. I'm a dork. I'm the person no one wanted on their team. I Irish Danced before "Lord of the Dance" came around and everyone made fun of me, so I quit. I started running at 3o when I decided to do triathlons. Now, I'm 43. Where did the time go?
I have goals this year, but don't know if I'll accomplish them. I'll try. I just want to get Boston in 2010. MW posted a great "info sheet" on Boston and I was equally scared and excited. I know I have a lot of training ahead of me. And, to be honest, my whole right side still bothers me .... A LOT.
At the end of my run today, I didn't intend to do so, but ran the opposite direction of some Gazelles just starting. By that point, I was in pain and frustrated. I said hi and smiled a lot. My right leg aches from my hip, down my hamstring to my calf. When I stop, finally, I am hobbled, just like my San Antonio finish and I go to the annex to stretch.
I want to fix it and fast. I need a good run and soon.
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